miko_no_da (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
miko_no_da) wrote2011-06-18 10:00 am
miko_no_da) wrote2011-06-18 10:00 am
[Fic] Kink Bingo - Drugs/Aphrodisiacs - Homestuck, John/Karkat
First fic for the new round of Kink Bingo, though I admit I started writing this before I got my card and it just happened to fit. This came from a request on Homesmut, I think, but I never saw the actual thread, just a mention of it on AO3 from another fic that had filled it. I liked the idea so I ran with it. ^_^
This has already been pretty thoroughly Joss'd by the latest update, but I started writing it knowing that would probably happen. That's the trouble with writing in fandoms that aren't done yet. Oh well, alternate timeline, I guess?
Kink: Drugs/Aphrodisiacs
Series: Homestuck
Pairing: John/Karkat
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: It's a fic for kink bingo. It's kinky, and X-rated. 'Nuff said.
Length: 7190
There are some things you need to do as a friendleader, and some you need to do as a friend. Sometimes, it's both.
>John: gawk at the trolls
It's a little hard to do that when the world is still spinning around you - or maybe that's just your brain spinning around inside your skull, that's sort of what it feels like. But you're sure that as soon as you recover, you'll be gawking away!
Because there are trolls, real live trolls, three of them, standing half a dozen feet from you. All grey skin and weird eyes and horns and claws and wow really sharp teeth, they're even more alien than you imagined they would be. It kind of surprises you that there are more similarities than you expected, too. You can tell two of them are girls, and you can read their expressions easily enough.
You spare a quick glance at the rest of your friends, and are gratified to find them gawking a bit, too. Jade is wide-eyed and practically bouncing on her toes, hands clasped in front of her with excitement. Rose looks like she's wishing she dared to pull out a pad of paper to take notes on, but she's fighting to seem nonchalant. Even Dave reaches up to adjust his shades, like he's afraid someone will see that he's staring from behind them.
"Coolkid!" one of the troll girls exclaims, and practically launches herself at Dave. Given the way she buries her face in his chest and starts sniffing loudly, you assume it must be Terezi. "Hehehe, no fair, you really were holding out on me," she says, long tongue flickering visibly between her sharp teeth. It's like she's a snake, licking the air to taste the scents better.
"Not a clue what you're talking about, Terezi," Dave replies nonchalantly. If he wasn't your best bro, you might be irritated with him a little for how he manages to sound so composed. You're still thinking about losing your lunch from the space warp that brought you here.
She leans closer, sniffing harder. "You didn't smell half this good through the screen," she says, and she sounds a little dreamy. "I can't wait to know how good your eyes taste, if the rest of you is this amazing!"
"Okay, for the last time Rezi, I know you're all hot and bothered to get up in my grill, but you are not licking my eyes," Dave says. You're pretty sure he might be rolling said eyes behind his glasses, though it's hard to tell. "In fact, you are not lickinnngh..."
Under other circumstances, you might have teased Dave about losing his usual Antarctic chilliness, but you guess you can't really blame him for clamming up abruptly. You would, too, if someone with that many sharp teeth was licking at your throat. You're actually kind of amazed he's managing to keep his poker-face on.
"Uh, well... this isn't quite what I was picturing when I imagined meeting you all, but hey! Wow, we finally get to see you!" you say cheerfully. "Where is everyone? Who's here? Gosh, it's not fair that you all know what we look like, and I only know how you all type!"
"There have been a few recent... interpersonal altercations," the other female troll says softly. "Perhaps inevitable, when you consider there were twelve members of a race known for its violent tendencies penned up in a small space with nothing to do but await the end of the universe together. I am afraid we are very nearly the last of our kind."
"What? Oh no!" Jade exclaims, and she sounds as horrified as you feel. "But... Feferi, and Tavros, and Karkat... they can't all be..."
"Kanaya, I assume?" Rose breaks in, her voice not quite as steady as she probably wants it to be. You know her just well enough to be able to see the fragile hope in her lavender eyes. You feel guilty for your sudden wish for her to be wrong, for this to be Vriska...
But the other troll girl is nodding, gliding towards Rose with an odd grace and a slightly shy smile. "Yes, I am Kanaya, and despite the inauspicious circumstances of our meeting, may I say I am glad to... oh my." She stops about a foot from Rose, and a stunned look crosses her face. "Oh, I... oh my. Terezi, I find myself with a sudden increase in understanding towards your claims about being able to identify things by scent. There is definitely something... very... different about humans."
Terezi is still licking at Dave, and... whoa, she's actually pulled the neck of his shirt down so she can get at more of his skin. You think maybe as a good friendleader you ought to be objecting, but then again it's not like he's objecting, so maybe he likes it? He's just standing there, unmoving, letting her do whatever she likes.
"Sollux, oh gog, Sollux, come here you have to try this," Terezi says, dashing your last remaining hope that the still unidentified male troll in the room might be Karkat. Dave makes a tiny sound that you would have described as a whine if it had come from anyone else, but still doesn't abscond or verbally slap her down with some ill rhymes like you would have expected.
"I keep telling you tz, I can't see things by sniffing them the way you do," Sollux replies, shaking his head, and for the first time you really notice the burned out holes where his eyes should be. You muffle an exclamation of surprise, because you thought Terezi was the only blind troll?
Despite his words, he shuffles reluctantly closer. "Not yet, anyway, I... whoa, holy shit, what the fuck?" The shocked look on his face matches the one on Kanaya's pretty closely, which makes you laugh even though you're feeling really confused and a little depressed.
You glance over to double-check the similarity, and a squeak escapes you before you clap your hands over your mouth, because Kanaya's not staring in shock anymore. She's got one arm around Rose's waist, the other hand fisted in Rose's short blond hair, and their lips locked together in the most passionate kiss you've seen since The Princess Bride first explained what a kiss should be.
Jade is gaping, too, and her eyes when they meet yours are about as wide as dinner plates. You have a sneaking suspicion yours are a good match. Then another noise from Dave draws your attention just in time to see Sollux licking the other side of his throat, and Dave still isn't doing anything to throw them off. He's just standing there, shaking slightly, and...
...wait. Shaking? Dave Fucking Strider is shaking?
"Uh, Dave? Are you breathing?" Jade asks hesitantly.
It's like her words remind him of the importance of air, because he takes a great gasping breath and nearly chokes on it. You're pretty sure his legs give out on him, because you doubt he means to collapse abruptly to the floor like that in a big pile of human and troll and slobber.
"F-fuck, oh fuck, get 'em off," he pants, flailing weakly like he's trying to dislodge the two trolls and failing. He's drawling in a way you've never heard before, the first time you've actually heard him sound Southern. "I... I can't... oh fuck, please..."
"Jade," you say, and jump in to grab Terezi's arm, trying to pull her off Dave without much success. Jade is there a moment later, yanking and tugging, and somehow the two of you manage to peel her off like a particularly stubborn leech.
She whines and twists in your arms... no, wait, the whining is coming from Rose and Kanaya's direction, and you're a little afraid to look over there to see what's going on. "Okay, really, I know we're all glad to see each other for the first time but this is kind of a little inappropriate," you babble, completely bewildered by what's happening.
"Hmm, what do you know, maybe Serket knows how to pick them after all," Terezi says, her grin stretched far wider than any grin should be allowed to stretch. Especially with that many sharp teeth behind it. "You smell like you taste pretty good too, Hero."
"Egbert, don't let her lick you," Dave blurts out, but the warning comes too late. Terezi's surprisingly long tongue is already slurping at the back of your hand where you have it clamped on her wrist, and... whoa. Whoa.
The heat rushing through your body is still a relatively new sensation, but it's not entirely unfamiliar. You've never felt anything quite like this before, as if the blood went to your nether regions so fast it forgot to leave any oxygen for your brain. Everything sort of shorts out, and all you can think about is how amazingly good it feels, how much you never, ever want it to end.
Except... except it has to, because darn it you're the leader here and something really weird is going on, and you need to figure it out! "Um. Could you. Maybe. Oh god, don't stop... no, I mean, stop. Stop!" you say, and if the words come out a little broken you think you should be excused.
"LISTEN UP!" The sudden shout actually makes it through the haze that's threatening to fog your brain completely, and from the way Terezi's tongue goes still, you think it's startled her into listening, too.
Taking a deep breath, Jade squares her shoulders and continues. "Trolls over on that side of the room, right now, double time," she orders, and prods at Terezi with the barrel of her hunting rifle for emphasis. "C'mon, don't make me hurt you, please. Noooo, Rose, you stay," she hastily amends as Kanaya obediently starts tugging Rose over to the other side of the room, still liplocked together. "Trolls over there, humans over here. March!"
Terezi whines, but finally releases you when Jade prods her again. Your paradox sister can be a little scary when she puts her mind to it. Sollux goes with only slightly less reluctance, leaving Dave sprawled out on the floor and panting, and you can't blame him. Two doses of whatever-that-was would leave you out cold from sheer sensory overload, you're pretty sure, so you're kind of impressed that Dave is still coherent at all.
Kanaya goes last, and Rose makes a noise that is unnervingly close to the elderitch babble of her grimdark phase when they're forced apart at gunpoint. Finally the two groups are separated by as much space as the room permits, and it feels a little easier to think.
"W-what the fuck was that?" Sollux asks, burned-out eyes staring vaguely in your direction, one hand tugging at his hair as if to help keep himself anchored.
"Pheromones, I suspect," Rose murmurs, and her voice is thankfully almost back to normal, if still a little husky. At enquiring noises from both sides of the room, she explains. "Chemicals released by the body meant to attract others - usually of the opposite sex for humans, but I suppose that's not necessarily true of trolls - for the purposes of encouraging reproduction. Ordinarily they are perceived only by the intended species, and only subconsciously at that, but it would appear that we have a bit of..." She coughs, and her pale cheeks are a dusky shade of pink. "Cross-species contamination?"
"It seems your pheromones are rather potent to us," Kanaya agrees, and there's an odd tinge of green beneath the grey skin on her cheeks that would make you think she was feeling ill if you weren't almost certain that was their version of a blush. "As soon as I got within range, it... was as if I literally could not resist the impulse to be closer. As close as possible."
"It tasted so good," Terezi says, the words almost a moan. She's still grinning, licking her lips every now and then, as if she can still taste you and Dave there.
"I didn't feel a thing until Terezi actually licked me," Dave comments. He's on his feet again, poker-face safely back in place, but you think you can still see a hint of a tremor in his hand when he lifts it to adjust his shades. "Didn't smell anything, either, but you all seemed to notice it as soon as you even got close."
"If I had to extend a hypothesis, which it appears I must, I would hazard to say that our pheromones are typically weaker than yours," Kanaya says. "As a species we tend to be initially attracted to traits other than the purely physical, and are capable of experiencing romance without concupiscent feelings, which I understand is not the case for you. The deeper emotions tend to be excited for us only when physical contact is actually made."
"Concentrated in your bodily fluids, perhaps?" Rose says thoughtfully. "And so when exposed to our unaccustomed airborne..."
"Okay, cool as all this scientific shit is," Sollux breaks in, "by which I mean I really don't give a flying fuck... what are we supposed to do now?"
You all look at each other, the last survivors of your two species, and nobody seems to have a good answer for that.
>John: figure it out
You're working on it! Sheesh, it's not like you can just magically produce an answer from thin air, you know.
A bit of careful experimenting, with members of both sides ready to haul the lab rats back at the first sign of reaction, proves that the range of the effect is only a few feet. Terezi is affected the most, of course, but even she seems to be able to function normally as long as she stays at least five feet away. She pouts at the restriction, but reluctantly agrees that it's necessary after she bumps into Rose in the hallway accidentally later the first day. You're not quite certain what happened - and you don't really want to know the details - but when they appeared at dinner Rose looked a little distressed and Kanaya refused to speak to Terezi for the rest of the night.
If you were a less naturally cheerful person, you think you might want to cry. None of this is going how you had imagined it. Not only are the majority of the trolls dead, including all of the ones you'd most been looking forward to meeting, but you can't even get close to the ones who are left. It distresses you, especially because for all their strange and alien appearances and mannerisms, they all look like they've been through hell and could really, really use a hug.
"Repeated or prolonged exposure does appear to lessen the effect somewhat," Rose volunteers unexpectedly during a meeting the next day, that same uncharacteristic flush high on her cheeks. "That is to say, it seems to be possible to, er, 'get it out of your system' for brief periods. However I don't recommend this course of action unless you're quite certain you won't regret the necessary intervening step."
"Huh? What step?" Jade asks, beating you to it.
"Don't bait the trolls, or they might eat you," Dave 'translates', regarding Rose with an ironic little smirk. "Eat you out, anyway."
"Was that really necessary?" Rose says, and you're pretty sure the temperature in the room just dropped like five degrees.
"Just sayin'." Dave gives that shrug of his, the one that says 'I'm way too cool for this shit, shit is going to freeze its crappy little toes off if it gets too close to me, shit is going to be in the hospital with frostbite for sure.'
Jade looks confused, and you're a little confused yourself, but from the look on Rose's face and the way Kanaya is doing that weird green blush again, you're still pretty sure you don't want to know.
"Anyway," you say hastily, trying to get the discussion back on topic. "That's a good thing, maybe, since it means we might all eventually get used to it? From, uh, repeated exposure or whatever it was?"
"It may be that it will reach a saturation point, or just become familiar enough that our bodies will adjust and the pressure to act will no longer be quite so urgent," Rose agrees. Terezi makes a disappointed noise, and Dave's smirk gets a little wider. No, you definitely don't want to know.
"You know, as much as this kinda really sucks and is a little inconvenient," Sollux says, "It might actually be the answer to one of our biggest problems, guys."
"Which is?" Terezi tilts her head at him curiously.
"Getting kk out of his funk."
"Oh." Kanaya puts a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. "I am ashamed to admit the possibility did not even occur to me. Yes, if anything can break through his unfortunate trauma-induced apathy, this might be it."
"Huh?" You're pretty sure you're missing part of this conversation, an important part. "What are you guys talking about?"
"I am afraid we have not been entirely forthcoming with you," Kanaya admits, lowering her chin but not looking away from your eyes. "There is one more of our number who survived the recent devastation. The severity of the trauma he suffered has unfortunately reduced him to little more than a huddled wreck, and we thought it best not to over-stimulate him by introducing you to him." Their features aren't so alien that you can't read the sadness in her eyes. "He won't even allow any of us close to him, too lost in his own mind to recognize friend from foe."
"Who?" you ask, and you can't even pretend your voice isn't shaking. She said 'he', so it can't be Vriska, but it could be... it could be...
"Karkat," she confirms.
You are up out of your chair and launching yourself at her before anyone, even you, realize what you intend. In your overwhelming joy that one of your closest troll friends has survived, you forget your own rule that you're not allowed to get too close, flinging yourself at her in an enthusiastic hug.
At least, you forget until the whimper catches in her throat and she stares at you with a look reminiscent of an imp about to be crushed by your hammer, stunned and breathless, with your arms around her and your faces inches apart.
Oops.
Something slender and pointy taps you firmly on the shoulder, and you hastily disentangle yourself and back away from the dazed troll. "Sorry, sorry, I forgot, I didn't mean to do that, so uh, Rose? You can put away your needles now, really, I'm sorry..."
Rose regards you through narrowed eyes a moment longer, then nods and returns her needles to her specibus. "Don't forget again, John," she says, her voice deceptively mild. Despite her own words, she reaches out like she's thinking of patting Kanaya's shoulder before she remembers and pulls away instead, blushing again.
"kk's alive, but that's all you can really say," Sollux comments as you return sheepishly to your seat. "Like Kanaya said, he won't talk or eat or even sleep as far as we can tell. He just sits there and stares at the wall, and screams if anyone touches him."
He sounds absolutely miserable, and once again you curse your inability to dole out some properly healing hugs.
"And you think this weird fereminny thing could break him out of it?" you ask hopefully.
"Pheromones, and yes, the possibility exists," Kanaya says. "It's... rather difficult to think about anything other than the visceral attraction when one of you is close."
"That might break through the memory loop it sounds like he's trapped in, giving him an anchor to something current and positive to allow him to pull himself out," Rose agrees. She's tapping her pursed lips with one finger, that look on her face that she gets when she's just getting into a really good psycho-analysis session. "It sounds like he's suffering from something not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, not at all surprising considering some of the things you've told me have been happening here."
"Karkles was at the centre of most of it," Terezi says sadly. "And he blames himself for all of it, for 'failing' us."
That's just not right, and you can feel the emotions rising up inside you, threatening to choke you. You understand better than any of them the pressures and responsibilities of being a leader - and how crushing it can be when you fail, and the people you love get hurt because of your mistakes. You can't bear to think of Karkat, your good friend Karkat, the troll who has been with you for most of your life, suffering like that all by himself.
"What are we waiting for, then?" you ask, and you're bouncing up out of your chair again. "Let's go, the sooner we get there, the sooner we can break him out of this and let him know that he's not alone!"
"Whoa, hold up there," Dave says, grabbing at the trailing end of your hood as you pass by him. You have to either stop or strangle yourself, so you choose to pause, looking down at him in confusion. "What happened to 'I am not a homosexual', huh?"
"Dave! That's got nothing to do with it," you protest, startled. "He's my friend, of course I want to help him."
"Egbert, as usual you haven't thought this through," Dave chides you, and slows his words like he's talking to a five-year-old. "What happens when we get close to them?"
"Huh? Well, this weird smell attraction thingy kicks in, and they try to lick us," you reply, not quite sure why he's asking. He ought to know better than any of you, given the way all this started. Well, maybe better than anybody but Rose, but you're still not thinking about that.
"Uh-huh, and then what happens when they lick us?" he prompts, one eyebrow raised behind his shades.
"Okay, yeah." You can't stop yourself from giggling nervously, as your stomach does weird little flip-flops. You're rather uncomfortably certain that it wouldn't have mattered whether it was Terezi or Sollux licking you, that first time; you would have reacted the same way. That's just body chemistry stuff though, right? It's got nothing to do with how you really feel. "But I'm not going to let him actually do it, I'm just going to get his attention."
"And what if that's what he needs?" Rose asks softly. "Someone he can trust to see the worst in him and not pull away, someone who will offer him comfort and succour without restriction or judgement? What if he sees you backing away and refusing him as a tease, as a way of punishing him further for daring to reach out and hope again?"
"Um... oh," you say, intelligently. The weird little flip-flops are getting worse, and you almost think maybe you're going to be sick, except it doesn't quite feel like that. It's more like an ache, a soul-deep pain at the thought that your friend is hurting and you won't be able to help him after all, because you aren't what he needs. "But then..."
"I'll do it," Jade says, standing with a determined look in her eyes. "He's my friend, too. I can..."
"No!" someone exclaims, and then everyone is looking at you and you realize that you're the one who said it. "No," you repeat, fumbling a little to get the words out because you're not even quite certain why you're objecting, only it feels like the right thing to do. "It's not... I don't think... you can't understand. Maybe I can't, either, but he's my oldest friend and we're both friendleaders and I think maybe this is just something I have to do."
You take a deep breath and continue, feeling a little steadier, "I would be a lousy person if I let my feelings get in the way of saving a good friend's life, and anyway it's not like I'll even care once he gets his tongue on me." Too late you realize how bad that sounds, and blush as Dave snorts and Terezi cackles. "And once he's okay again we can just chalk it up to the silly fairy-things and never talk about it again."
Rose sighs. "And here I was going to commend you on how remarkably mature you were being, before you had to go and ruin it with that last line," she says, but she's smiling slightly as she shakes her head.
"I'm pretty sure he'd rather it was you, Hero," Terezi says. "For all that he was Jade's patron troll, you're the one he was always ranting about."
You're not entirely sure if that knowledge makes you feel better or worse about the whole thing. The lingering knowledge of that black crush he had on you, or whatever it was, still makes you a little uneasy, but you just can't face the idea of Jade doing this instead. Maybe if Jade had sounded less like she was offering herself as the dragon's meal and more like she thought it would be fun... but if anyone is going to be doing any sacrificing around here, it should be you. That's what being a leader is all about, isn't it? Sacrificing your own comfort to ensure the wellbeing of your team.
"Let go of my hood, Dave," you say, and after a brief moment he nods and releases you.
"Egbert..." Sollux is turned to face your general direction, and his intent expression makes you think he'd be staring you down if you could. "Just... just don't hurt him more, okay? He's already broken; I don't think he can take much more without shattering completely. Don't do this unless you're sure you won't hurt him."
The idea of hurting Karkat, of being the one responsible for breaking him beyond all hope of repair, makes your heart twist so hard in your chest you nearly choke on the sensation. It takes you a moment to gather yourself enough to answer, but when you speak, you believe your own words with all your soul. This much you know without a single doubt or hesitation.
"I'd rather die a thousand times than hurt him."
>John: fix the broken one
Bluh, it sounds so easy when you put it like that. You're not quite sure exactly what this is going to take, but you're pretty sure 'easy' is not a word that will be used to describe the process.
You're even more certain of that when Kanaya pushes the door open and steps back to a safe distance, allowing you to see into the room beyond. Huddled in the far corner is a black and grey lump, which you wouldn't even have recognized as a person if you hadn't known he was supposed to be in there. After a moment of staring you realize he's got his knees pulled up to his chest, face hidden against them and arms wrapped over his head like a protective shield.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? That's sort of literally how it feels, like your heart is tearing itself apart in your chest. In all the many, many times you imagined what Karkat might look like, how this first meeting might play out... this is so far from any of the ideas that went through your mind, it feels like it can't possibly be real.
"Karkat?" You don't mean to whisper, but your voice comes out hushed. Even so he flinches and pulls in tighter on himself, impossible as that seems. Impulsively you take a step forward. "Karkat, it's me. It's John! Hey Karkat c'mon, look, I'm really here! Just like I promised."
Another step, and the door swishes closed behind you, leaving the two of you alone together in the gloom. There's light coming from somewhere, just enough to let you see him against the paler grey of the wall. Trolls are nocturnal, you remember, but this seems dark even for them.
He still hasn't moved, unless trembling counts as movement. This is the eternally angry troll who tormented you from the first moment you ever signed on to a computer? This is the proud, stubborn friend who argues and curses and types forever in capslock?
It can't be. There's been a mistake made somewhere. A part of you wants to go back out and insist that they've gotten it wrong, brought you to the wrong room, that this can't possibly be the right troll.
"Karkat," you say, softer yet. Slowly you sink down into a crouch, hoping that avoiding fast motion will help soothe him. He doesn't react, so you creep forward an inch at a time, trying to get close enough for the phere... the fero... the thingies to do their magic. 'He screams when we touch him,' Sollux said, so you don't reach out to him even though every instinct you possess is demanding that you fling yourself at him in a hug.
You're only inches away and starting to believe this isn't going to work after all, when he draws in a shuddering breath. It sounds more startled than afraid, and you hope that's a good sign. "Yeah, that's it, c'mon, deep breaths," you encourage. Maybe it's taken this long because he's got his face buried in his pants, and can't smell you properly?
He does it again, and this time the air catches in his throat a little. You realize you can see a gleam of yellow deep in the shadow of his arms, one of his oversized alien eyes staring at you with an expression of bewildered disbelief. "J-john?" he stammers, his voice a raspy whisper. "You... are you really... what is that?"
Darn it, maybe you should have practiced saying that word before you came in here. Too late now, and it doesn't really matter. "Some kind of chemical thingy that's suppose to attract a mate, only it's working overtime between trolls and humans," you explain with all the cheer you can muster. "Cool, huh? At least, the others seem to think it smells good."
He's lifted his head more, nostrils flaring as he takes a deeper breath, and now you can see both his eyes. "Yeah, it does," he agrees. His voice is still unsteady, and rough because he hasn't talked for so long, but it's a little stronger than before. "Are you really... here? Am I dreaming?"
"No, I'm really here," you insist. "Why would you dream that I would smell funny, right?"He's looking at you, and coherent, so you take a risk and reach out to touch his arm, lightly.
He gives a hoarse shout and flinches back, and you snatch your hand away like it was burned, horrified. You promised not to hurt him, you don't want to ever hurt him, so how could you do something so stupid? "I'm sorry, Karkat, I didn't mean it, don't pull away, please, I'm sorry."
"You..." He's breathing hard, shoulders hunched but slowly leaning towards you again like he can't help himself. He looks like a wild animal, wary and ready to bolt at the first hint of danger. You hold your breath, keeping yourself as still as you can, willing him to come to you. "You said you would come."
"Yeah, I did," you whisper, hesitant to speak lest you startle him. He tenses, but doesn't flinch away again. You're glad, because you think your heart might break for real if he does that again, like he thinks you're going to really hurt him. "I did say that, and I always keep my promises, you should know that. I'm here, Karkat. I'm... I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner."
"I'm not," he tells you, surprisingly fierce. "I'm not, I'm glad you weren't here, I'm glad, there was so much blood and so much killing and I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop them, I just stood there like a useless little wriggler and I couldn't protect any of them, it's all my fault, and if you'd been here they'd just have killed you, too and..."
It doesn't seem like the words are going to stop now that they've started, and his voice is spiralling higher and higher like a spring winding ever tighter. It hurts so much to see him like this, so vulnerable and aching and fragile. You still don't dare touch him again, but you can open your arms in obvious invitation and hope he takes the bait, so you do.
To your immense relief Karkat all but throws himself at you, arms wrapping around your torso so tight that it's suddenly hard to breathe, his face buried against your shoulder. You hug him just as tightly in return, rubbing his back with one hand, rocking a bit like your Dad used to do when you were little and you'd had a bad dream. "All my fault, I failed them, I failed them all," he says, shuddering against you.
And now you know you made the right decision not to let Jade come instead, because she would have told him that it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't failed them, that he can't blame himself.
"I know," you say instead, because you do know. You know what it's like to see the people you love most in all the world dead at your feet, pools of blood spreading everywhere, knowing that if you'd been just a little bit faster, a little bit stronger, they might still be alive. You know what it's like to be responsible for the lives of all your friends, and sometimes it scares you so much because deep down you know you're not good enough, not smart enough, not nearly awesome enough to get them all through this.
"I know. I'm here. I'll help. We can do it together," you promise him. You think he might be crying - no, you're sure he is, you can feel warm liquid soaking into the shoulder of your shirt. You're a little surprised that he hasn't tried to lick you or anything yet, since none of the others have been able to get this close without seeming compelled to try that, but maybe it's because the force of his emotions are overwhelming the instincts.
Since he hasn't licked you, you're not quite sure why you're getting dizzy and it feels like there isn't enough air in the room. You're hyper-aware of every inch of Karkat against you, his body heat like fire even through the protective layers of your clothing. It's a subtler effect than when Terezi had her tongue on you, but it's definitely there, because there's an awful lot of blood heading south.
Didn't Rose say something about 'body fluids'? Maybe tears count, too? Darn it, this is really not appropriate, especially if he's not going to react that way, if he needs you for comfort. You suddenly have more sympathy for how hard it is for the trolls not to follow through on the impulses caused by the scent of you. It's really hard to think about anything except how good he feels against you.
"You won't leave me?" he asks, his voice small, and it's just like Rose said. Karkat needs to know that you won't push him away, that you don't blame him for failing as a leader, that you're still his friend.
"You'll have to pry me off with a crowbar," you say staunchly. "We'll figure it out. Together."
"Together," he agrees, and nuzzles closer into the crook of your neck. His next words come out a bit strangled. "You really smell... fuck."
It surprises you how much relief you feel at the sound of that single swear word. If he's cursing, he must be feeling a little better, surely. "Um. Like I said, it's suppose to be some kind of mating attraction thing, only it's kind of broken between trolls and humans. It seems to hit you guys worse than us, at least until you liiiiiiahhhh oh god."
Yep, that does it. Tears definitely have the same effect, but it's about a thousand times stronger the moment the hesitant flicker of Karkat's tongue connects with the bare skin on the side of your neck. It's just like the day before only worse, because you're already affected, and this time you're sure there can't be any blood left in your brain.
"Holy shit, that's really... wow." He sounds dazed, too, and the second time the contact is firmer and longer. Then his lips brush against the same spot, and you don't even care when the sharp points of his teeth graze the skin.
Much. "Ow, careful," you gasp, squirming beneath him. Your body can't seem to decide whether it's more important to get away from the teeth or get closer to the tongue. "We're a lot softer than you guys, so watch the teeth and the claws."
He makes a humming noise that might be a sound of assent, or might equally be a sign that he's annoyed by the distraction of your voice. Karkat doesn't use his teeth again, though, so you hope it's the former. It's so hard to think past the feel of his tongue on your throat and the burning need that sparks deep inside you. Some tiny part of your brain is disturbed, and you're pretty sure there's something you've forgotten about why this shouldn't feel so good, but you can't bring yourself to care enough to stop and remember what it is.
You don't even realize that you're worming your hands under his shirt until your fingers touch heated flesh. You moan, startled, and heat rushes to your cheeks, but since you're already there you decide you might as well explore. His skin feels thicker than yours, tougher, and you suppose that makes sense given how many pointy ends trolls seem to have.
On a whim you curl your fingers and drag your nails along the skin, hard. Maybe hard enough to leave marks on a human. Sure enough, instead of protesting he gasps and arches into the contact, panting hard against your neck.
"Fuck, do that again," Karkat pleads. "Harder, gog." You'd be a pretty crappy friend to ignore such a sincere request, you decide dizzily, so you do it again.
He moans and tightens his grip on you, and you yelp as sharp points dig into your skin through your shirt. "Claws!" you remind him, and he eases up a bit with a grumble.
Then he rakes his hands down your back like you've been doing to him, and it's the most amazing thing you've ever felt in your life. You squirm beneath the onslaught, and you're embarrassingly sure those weird little mewling noises are coming from you. They seem to spur him on, because he runs his mouth over your throat like he's trying to chase the sounds down and lick them up.
He's practically in your lap, now, and his knee is jammed between your legs and it feels like the best thing ever. You squirm and arch up into the pressure, grinding yourself against his leg, and it's ten million times better than anything you've managed to do with your hand. Karkat makes a pleased noise and digs his fingers into your hips, pulling you closer still.
Not wanting to be selfish, you hitch up the leg he's straddling, pressing your thigh against his crotch. You're not sure just what sort of equipment trolls have, he's mentioned some pretty weird parts in his more creative moments of swearing, but he seems to enjoy that just as much as you are. You buck against each other, not always in sync but it doesn't seem to matter, because everything you do feels even better than whatever you did the moment before.
He's saying something, over and over again in a breathless moan, just one word that you finally realize is your own name. Your heart skips at the sound of it, so desperate and broken, and the knowledge that you are responsible for making him feel this good makes your chest swell.
Karkat comes first, you're pretty sure. His head tips back and his eyes roll up, the sound of your name melting into a whimper that goes on and on as he shudders against you. Then you cry out as you lose track of the sight of him, coming hard enough that your vision whites out for a moment, and then you can't care about anything at all except how amazingly good it feels.
When you come back to reality you find him draped over your shoulder, chin digging into you and hands still clutching at your back. He might be crying again, you can feel warmth and wetness creeping over your shoulder, but you think maybe they're happy tears this time. Or at least healing ones.
You cradle him close, ignoring the uncomfortable mess in your pants, content to just hold him and be there for him. And to let him be there for you, if you're being honest, because knowing that there's someone who understands what you've gone through helps you just as much as him.
Rose was right about the effects fading once you've 'gotten it out of your system', but you're not quite as squirmingly embarrassed by what you've done as you thought you would be. It would be worth going through torture if it meant helping Karkat, and this was far from torture.
You tell yourself firmly that you are not hoping that he'll still need more reassurance in the future.
>John: be happy
You're pretty sure the doofy smile on your face can't get any bigger, actually. The mess you're all in is still pretty big, but at least finally you can give everyone something positive to focus on.
Karkat squints and flinches a little at the brighter light outside his room, but he lets you draw him through the halls and back to the big room everyone has been meeting in. He gives you a slightly nervous look as you reach out to open the door, then squares his shoulders and frowns in a way that it seems like his face is much more accustomed to.
There's a moment of breathless silence when they see him, and then suddenly the room is exploding with shouts and cries and the sound of Karkat's name. You just barely get out of the way in time as all three of the other trolls pile onto their fourth member, and you have to grin as Karkat squawks and flails and makes no real effort to push them away at all.
He catches your eye for a moment, and your grin softens into a smile as you nod firmly. He nods in return, and you know that you'll probably never talk about what just happened between you, but it doesn't matter because he's got your back and you've got his, and that's the way it should be.
Two friendleaders are better than one - and even better when they're also friends.
This has already been pretty thoroughly Joss'd by the latest update, but I started writing it knowing that would probably happen. That's the trouble with writing in fandoms that aren't done yet. Oh well, alternate timeline, I guess?
Kink: Drugs/Aphrodisiacs
Series: Homestuck
Pairing: John/Karkat
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: It's a fic for kink bingo. It's kinky, and X-rated. 'Nuff said.
Length: 7190
There are some things you need to do as a friendleader, and some you need to do as a friend. Sometimes, it's both.
>John: gawk at the trolls
It's a little hard to do that when the world is still spinning around you - or maybe that's just your brain spinning around inside your skull, that's sort of what it feels like. But you're sure that as soon as you recover, you'll be gawking away!
Because there are trolls, real live trolls, three of them, standing half a dozen feet from you. All grey skin and weird eyes and horns and claws and wow really sharp teeth, they're even more alien than you imagined they would be. It kind of surprises you that there are more similarities than you expected, too. You can tell two of them are girls, and you can read their expressions easily enough.
You spare a quick glance at the rest of your friends, and are gratified to find them gawking a bit, too. Jade is wide-eyed and practically bouncing on her toes, hands clasped in front of her with excitement. Rose looks like she's wishing she dared to pull out a pad of paper to take notes on, but she's fighting to seem nonchalant. Even Dave reaches up to adjust his shades, like he's afraid someone will see that he's staring from behind them.
"Coolkid!" one of the troll girls exclaims, and practically launches herself at Dave. Given the way she buries her face in his chest and starts sniffing loudly, you assume it must be Terezi. "Hehehe, no fair, you really were holding out on me," she says, long tongue flickering visibly between her sharp teeth. It's like she's a snake, licking the air to taste the scents better.
"Not a clue what you're talking about, Terezi," Dave replies nonchalantly. If he wasn't your best bro, you might be irritated with him a little for how he manages to sound so composed. You're still thinking about losing your lunch from the space warp that brought you here.
She leans closer, sniffing harder. "You didn't smell half this good through the screen," she says, and she sounds a little dreamy. "I can't wait to know how good your eyes taste, if the rest of you is this amazing!"
"Okay, for the last time Rezi, I know you're all hot and bothered to get up in my grill, but you are not licking my eyes," Dave says. You're pretty sure he might be rolling said eyes behind his glasses, though it's hard to tell. "In fact, you are not lickinnngh..."
Under other circumstances, you might have teased Dave about losing his usual Antarctic chilliness, but you guess you can't really blame him for clamming up abruptly. You would, too, if someone with that many sharp teeth was licking at your throat. You're actually kind of amazed he's managing to keep his poker-face on.
"Uh, well... this isn't quite what I was picturing when I imagined meeting you all, but hey! Wow, we finally get to see you!" you say cheerfully. "Where is everyone? Who's here? Gosh, it's not fair that you all know what we look like, and I only know how you all type!"
"There have been a few recent... interpersonal altercations," the other female troll says softly. "Perhaps inevitable, when you consider there were twelve members of a race known for its violent tendencies penned up in a small space with nothing to do but await the end of the universe together. I am afraid we are very nearly the last of our kind."
"What? Oh no!" Jade exclaims, and she sounds as horrified as you feel. "But... Feferi, and Tavros, and Karkat... they can't all be..."
"Kanaya, I assume?" Rose breaks in, her voice not quite as steady as she probably wants it to be. You know her just well enough to be able to see the fragile hope in her lavender eyes. You feel guilty for your sudden wish for her to be wrong, for this to be Vriska...
But the other troll girl is nodding, gliding towards Rose with an odd grace and a slightly shy smile. "Yes, I am Kanaya, and despite the inauspicious circumstances of our meeting, may I say I am glad to... oh my." She stops about a foot from Rose, and a stunned look crosses her face. "Oh, I... oh my. Terezi, I find myself with a sudden increase in understanding towards your claims about being able to identify things by scent. There is definitely something... very... different about humans."
Terezi is still licking at Dave, and... whoa, she's actually pulled the neck of his shirt down so she can get at more of his skin. You think maybe as a good friendleader you ought to be objecting, but then again it's not like he's objecting, so maybe he likes it? He's just standing there, unmoving, letting her do whatever she likes.
"Sollux, oh gog, Sollux, come here you have to try this," Terezi says, dashing your last remaining hope that the still unidentified male troll in the room might be Karkat. Dave makes a tiny sound that you would have described as a whine if it had come from anyone else, but still doesn't abscond or verbally slap her down with some ill rhymes like you would have expected.
"I keep telling you tz, I can't see things by sniffing them the way you do," Sollux replies, shaking his head, and for the first time you really notice the burned out holes where his eyes should be. You muffle an exclamation of surprise, because you thought Terezi was the only blind troll?
Despite his words, he shuffles reluctantly closer. "Not yet, anyway, I... whoa, holy shit, what the fuck?" The shocked look on his face matches the one on Kanaya's pretty closely, which makes you laugh even though you're feeling really confused and a little depressed.
You glance over to double-check the similarity, and a squeak escapes you before you clap your hands over your mouth, because Kanaya's not staring in shock anymore. She's got one arm around Rose's waist, the other hand fisted in Rose's short blond hair, and their lips locked together in the most passionate kiss you've seen since The Princess Bride first explained what a kiss should be.
Jade is gaping, too, and her eyes when they meet yours are about as wide as dinner plates. You have a sneaking suspicion yours are a good match. Then another noise from Dave draws your attention just in time to see Sollux licking the other side of his throat, and Dave still isn't doing anything to throw them off. He's just standing there, shaking slightly, and...
...wait. Shaking? Dave Fucking Strider is shaking?
"Uh, Dave? Are you breathing?" Jade asks hesitantly.
It's like her words remind him of the importance of air, because he takes a great gasping breath and nearly chokes on it. You're pretty sure his legs give out on him, because you doubt he means to collapse abruptly to the floor like that in a big pile of human and troll and slobber.
"F-fuck, oh fuck, get 'em off," he pants, flailing weakly like he's trying to dislodge the two trolls and failing. He's drawling in a way you've never heard before, the first time you've actually heard him sound Southern. "I... I can't... oh fuck, please..."
"Jade," you say, and jump in to grab Terezi's arm, trying to pull her off Dave without much success. Jade is there a moment later, yanking and tugging, and somehow the two of you manage to peel her off like a particularly stubborn leech.
She whines and twists in your arms... no, wait, the whining is coming from Rose and Kanaya's direction, and you're a little afraid to look over there to see what's going on. "Okay, really, I know we're all glad to see each other for the first time but this is kind of a little inappropriate," you babble, completely bewildered by what's happening.
"Hmm, what do you know, maybe Serket knows how to pick them after all," Terezi says, her grin stretched far wider than any grin should be allowed to stretch. Especially with that many sharp teeth behind it. "You smell like you taste pretty good too, Hero."
"Egbert, don't let her lick you," Dave blurts out, but the warning comes too late. Terezi's surprisingly long tongue is already slurping at the back of your hand where you have it clamped on her wrist, and... whoa. Whoa.
The heat rushing through your body is still a relatively new sensation, but it's not entirely unfamiliar. You've never felt anything quite like this before, as if the blood went to your nether regions so fast it forgot to leave any oxygen for your brain. Everything sort of shorts out, and all you can think about is how amazingly good it feels, how much you never, ever want it to end.
Except... except it has to, because darn it you're the leader here and something really weird is going on, and you need to figure it out! "Um. Could you. Maybe. Oh god, don't stop... no, I mean, stop. Stop!" you say, and if the words come out a little broken you think you should be excused.
"LISTEN UP!" The sudden shout actually makes it through the haze that's threatening to fog your brain completely, and from the way Terezi's tongue goes still, you think it's startled her into listening, too.
Taking a deep breath, Jade squares her shoulders and continues. "Trolls over on that side of the room, right now, double time," she orders, and prods at Terezi with the barrel of her hunting rifle for emphasis. "C'mon, don't make me hurt you, please. Noooo, Rose, you stay," she hastily amends as Kanaya obediently starts tugging Rose over to the other side of the room, still liplocked together. "Trolls over there, humans over here. March!"
Terezi whines, but finally releases you when Jade prods her again. Your paradox sister can be a little scary when she puts her mind to it. Sollux goes with only slightly less reluctance, leaving Dave sprawled out on the floor and panting, and you can't blame him. Two doses of whatever-that-was would leave you out cold from sheer sensory overload, you're pretty sure, so you're kind of impressed that Dave is still coherent at all.
Kanaya goes last, and Rose makes a noise that is unnervingly close to the elderitch babble of her grimdark phase when they're forced apart at gunpoint. Finally the two groups are separated by as much space as the room permits, and it feels a little easier to think.
"W-what the fuck was that?" Sollux asks, burned-out eyes staring vaguely in your direction, one hand tugging at his hair as if to help keep himself anchored.
"Pheromones, I suspect," Rose murmurs, and her voice is thankfully almost back to normal, if still a little husky. At enquiring noises from both sides of the room, she explains. "Chemicals released by the body meant to attract others - usually of the opposite sex for humans, but I suppose that's not necessarily true of trolls - for the purposes of encouraging reproduction. Ordinarily they are perceived only by the intended species, and only subconsciously at that, but it would appear that we have a bit of..." She coughs, and her pale cheeks are a dusky shade of pink. "Cross-species contamination?"
"It seems your pheromones are rather potent to us," Kanaya agrees, and there's an odd tinge of green beneath the grey skin on her cheeks that would make you think she was feeling ill if you weren't almost certain that was their version of a blush. "As soon as I got within range, it... was as if I literally could not resist the impulse to be closer. As close as possible."
"It tasted so good," Terezi says, the words almost a moan. She's still grinning, licking her lips every now and then, as if she can still taste you and Dave there.
"I didn't feel a thing until Terezi actually licked me," Dave comments. He's on his feet again, poker-face safely back in place, but you think you can still see a hint of a tremor in his hand when he lifts it to adjust his shades. "Didn't smell anything, either, but you all seemed to notice it as soon as you even got close."
"If I had to extend a hypothesis, which it appears I must, I would hazard to say that our pheromones are typically weaker than yours," Kanaya says. "As a species we tend to be initially attracted to traits other than the purely physical, and are capable of experiencing romance without concupiscent feelings, which I understand is not the case for you. The deeper emotions tend to be excited for us only when physical contact is actually made."
"Concentrated in your bodily fluids, perhaps?" Rose says thoughtfully. "And so when exposed to our unaccustomed airborne..."
"Okay, cool as all this scientific shit is," Sollux breaks in, "by which I mean I really don't give a flying fuck... what are we supposed to do now?"
You all look at each other, the last survivors of your two species, and nobody seems to have a good answer for that.
>John: figure it out
You're working on it! Sheesh, it's not like you can just magically produce an answer from thin air, you know.
A bit of careful experimenting, with members of both sides ready to haul the lab rats back at the first sign of reaction, proves that the range of the effect is only a few feet. Terezi is affected the most, of course, but even she seems to be able to function normally as long as she stays at least five feet away. She pouts at the restriction, but reluctantly agrees that it's necessary after she bumps into Rose in the hallway accidentally later the first day. You're not quite certain what happened - and you don't really want to know the details - but when they appeared at dinner Rose looked a little distressed and Kanaya refused to speak to Terezi for the rest of the night.
If you were a less naturally cheerful person, you think you might want to cry. None of this is going how you had imagined it. Not only are the majority of the trolls dead, including all of the ones you'd most been looking forward to meeting, but you can't even get close to the ones who are left. It distresses you, especially because for all their strange and alien appearances and mannerisms, they all look like they've been through hell and could really, really use a hug.
"Repeated or prolonged exposure does appear to lessen the effect somewhat," Rose volunteers unexpectedly during a meeting the next day, that same uncharacteristic flush high on her cheeks. "That is to say, it seems to be possible to, er, 'get it out of your system' for brief periods. However I don't recommend this course of action unless you're quite certain you won't regret the necessary intervening step."
"Huh? What step?" Jade asks, beating you to it.
"Don't bait the trolls, or they might eat you," Dave 'translates', regarding Rose with an ironic little smirk. "Eat you out, anyway."
"Was that really necessary?" Rose says, and you're pretty sure the temperature in the room just dropped like five degrees.
"Just sayin'." Dave gives that shrug of his, the one that says 'I'm way too cool for this shit, shit is going to freeze its crappy little toes off if it gets too close to me, shit is going to be in the hospital with frostbite for sure.'
Jade looks confused, and you're a little confused yourself, but from the look on Rose's face and the way Kanaya is doing that weird green blush again, you're still pretty sure you don't want to know.
"Anyway," you say hastily, trying to get the discussion back on topic. "That's a good thing, maybe, since it means we might all eventually get used to it? From, uh, repeated exposure or whatever it was?"
"It may be that it will reach a saturation point, or just become familiar enough that our bodies will adjust and the pressure to act will no longer be quite so urgent," Rose agrees. Terezi makes a disappointed noise, and Dave's smirk gets a little wider. No, you definitely don't want to know.
"You know, as much as this kinda really sucks and is a little inconvenient," Sollux says, "It might actually be the answer to one of our biggest problems, guys."
"Which is?" Terezi tilts her head at him curiously.
"Getting kk out of his funk."
"Oh." Kanaya puts a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. "I am ashamed to admit the possibility did not even occur to me. Yes, if anything can break through his unfortunate trauma-induced apathy, this might be it."
"Huh?" You're pretty sure you're missing part of this conversation, an important part. "What are you guys talking about?"
"I am afraid we have not been entirely forthcoming with you," Kanaya admits, lowering her chin but not looking away from your eyes. "There is one more of our number who survived the recent devastation. The severity of the trauma he suffered has unfortunately reduced him to little more than a huddled wreck, and we thought it best not to over-stimulate him by introducing you to him." Their features aren't so alien that you can't read the sadness in her eyes. "He won't even allow any of us close to him, too lost in his own mind to recognize friend from foe."
"Who?" you ask, and you can't even pretend your voice isn't shaking. She said 'he', so it can't be Vriska, but it could be... it could be...
"Karkat," she confirms.
You are up out of your chair and launching yourself at her before anyone, even you, realize what you intend. In your overwhelming joy that one of your closest troll friends has survived, you forget your own rule that you're not allowed to get too close, flinging yourself at her in an enthusiastic hug.
At least, you forget until the whimper catches in her throat and she stares at you with a look reminiscent of an imp about to be crushed by your hammer, stunned and breathless, with your arms around her and your faces inches apart.
Oops.
Something slender and pointy taps you firmly on the shoulder, and you hastily disentangle yourself and back away from the dazed troll. "Sorry, sorry, I forgot, I didn't mean to do that, so uh, Rose? You can put away your needles now, really, I'm sorry..."
Rose regards you through narrowed eyes a moment longer, then nods and returns her needles to her specibus. "Don't forget again, John," she says, her voice deceptively mild. Despite her own words, she reaches out like she's thinking of patting Kanaya's shoulder before she remembers and pulls away instead, blushing again.
"kk's alive, but that's all you can really say," Sollux comments as you return sheepishly to your seat. "Like Kanaya said, he won't talk or eat or even sleep as far as we can tell. He just sits there and stares at the wall, and screams if anyone touches him."
He sounds absolutely miserable, and once again you curse your inability to dole out some properly healing hugs.
"And you think this weird fereminny thing could break him out of it?" you ask hopefully.
"Pheromones, and yes, the possibility exists," Kanaya says. "It's... rather difficult to think about anything other than the visceral attraction when one of you is close."
"That might break through the memory loop it sounds like he's trapped in, giving him an anchor to something current and positive to allow him to pull himself out," Rose agrees. She's tapping her pursed lips with one finger, that look on her face that she gets when she's just getting into a really good psycho-analysis session. "It sounds like he's suffering from something not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, not at all surprising considering some of the things you've told me have been happening here."
"Karkles was at the centre of most of it," Terezi says sadly. "And he blames himself for all of it, for 'failing' us."
That's just not right, and you can feel the emotions rising up inside you, threatening to choke you. You understand better than any of them the pressures and responsibilities of being a leader - and how crushing it can be when you fail, and the people you love get hurt because of your mistakes. You can't bear to think of Karkat, your good friend Karkat, the troll who has been with you for most of your life, suffering like that all by himself.
"What are we waiting for, then?" you ask, and you're bouncing up out of your chair again. "Let's go, the sooner we get there, the sooner we can break him out of this and let him know that he's not alone!"
"Whoa, hold up there," Dave says, grabbing at the trailing end of your hood as you pass by him. You have to either stop or strangle yourself, so you choose to pause, looking down at him in confusion. "What happened to 'I am not a homosexual', huh?"
"Dave! That's got nothing to do with it," you protest, startled. "He's my friend, of course I want to help him."
"Egbert, as usual you haven't thought this through," Dave chides you, and slows his words like he's talking to a five-year-old. "What happens when we get close to them?"
"Huh? Well, this weird smell attraction thingy kicks in, and they try to lick us," you reply, not quite sure why he's asking. He ought to know better than any of you, given the way all this started. Well, maybe better than anybody but Rose, but you're still not thinking about that.
"Uh-huh, and then what happens when they lick us?" he prompts, one eyebrow raised behind his shades.
"Okay, yeah." You can't stop yourself from giggling nervously, as your stomach does weird little flip-flops. You're rather uncomfortably certain that it wouldn't have mattered whether it was Terezi or Sollux licking you, that first time; you would have reacted the same way. That's just body chemistry stuff though, right? It's got nothing to do with how you really feel. "But I'm not going to let him actually do it, I'm just going to get his attention."
"And what if that's what he needs?" Rose asks softly. "Someone he can trust to see the worst in him and not pull away, someone who will offer him comfort and succour without restriction or judgement? What if he sees you backing away and refusing him as a tease, as a way of punishing him further for daring to reach out and hope again?"
"Um... oh," you say, intelligently. The weird little flip-flops are getting worse, and you almost think maybe you're going to be sick, except it doesn't quite feel like that. It's more like an ache, a soul-deep pain at the thought that your friend is hurting and you won't be able to help him after all, because you aren't what he needs. "But then..."
"I'll do it," Jade says, standing with a determined look in her eyes. "He's my friend, too. I can..."
"No!" someone exclaims, and then everyone is looking at you and you realize that you're the one who said it. "No," you repeat, fumbling a little to get the words out because you're not even quite certain why you're objecting, only it feels like the right thing to do. "It's not... I don't think... you can't understand. Maybe I can't, either, but he's my oldest friend and we're both friendleaders and I think maybe this is just something I have to do."
You take a deep breath and continue, feeling a little steadier, "I would be a lousy person if I let my feelings get in the way of saving a good friend's life, and anyway it's not like I'll even care once he gets his tongue on me." Too late you realize how bad that sounds, and blush as Dave snorts and Terezi cackles. "And once he's okay again we can just chalk it up to the silly fairy-things and never talk about it again."
Rose sighs. "And here I was going to commend you on how remarkably mature you were being, before you had to go and ruin it with that last line," she says, but she's smiling slightly as she shakes her head.
"I'm pretty sure he'd rather it was you, Hero," Terezi says. "For all that he was Jade's patron troll, you're the one he was always ranting about."
You're not entirely sure if that knowledge makes you feel better or worse about the whole thing. The lingering knowledge of that black crush he had on you, or whatever it was, still makes you a little uneasy, but you just can't face the idea of Jade doing this instead. Maybe if Jade had sounded less like she was offering herself as the dragon's meal and more like she thought it would be fun... but if anyone is going to be doing any sacrificing around here, it should be you. That's what being a leader is all about, isn't it? Sacrificing your own comfort to ensure the wellbeing of your team.
"Let go of my hood, Dave," you say, and after a brief moment he nods and releases you.
"Egbert..." Sollux is turned to face your general direction, and his intent expression makes you think he'd be staring you down if you could. "Just... just don't hurt him more, okay? He's already broken; I don't think he can take much more without shattering completely. Don't do this unless you're sure you won't hurt him."
The idea of hurting Karkat, of being the one responsible for breaking him beyond all hope of repair, makes your heart twist so hard in your chest you nearly choke on the sensation. It takes you a moment to gather yourself enough to answer, but when you speak, you believe your own words with all your soul. This much you know without a single doubt or hesitation.
"I'd rather die a thousand times than hurt him."
>John: fix the broken one
Bluh, it sounds so easy when you put it like that. You're not quite sure exactly what this is going to take, but you're pretty sure 'easy' is not a word that will be used to describe the process.
You're even more certain of that when Kanaya pushes the door open and steps back to a safe distance, allowing you to see into the room beyond. Huddled in the far corner is a black and grey lump, which you wouldn't even have recognized as a person if you hadn't known he was supposed to be in there. After a moment of staring you realize he's got his knees pulled up to his chest, face hidden against them and arms wrapped over his head like a protective shield.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? That's sort of literally how it feels, like your heart is tearing itself apart in your chest. In all the many, many times you imagined what Karkat might look like, how this first meeting might play out... this is so far from any of the ideas that went through your mind, it feels like it can't possibly be real.
"Karkat?" You don't mean to whisper, but your voice comes out hushed. Even so he flinches and pulls in tighter on himself, impossible as that seems. Impulsively you take a step forward. "Karkat, it's me. It's John! Hey Karkat c'mon, look, I'm really here! Just like I promised."
Another step, and the door swishes closed behind you, leaving the two of you alone together in the gloom. There's light coming from somewhere, just enough to let you see him against the paler grey of the wall. Trolls are nocturnal, you remember, but this seems dark even for them.
He still hasn't moved, unless trembling counts as movement. This is the eternally angry troll who tormented you from the first moment you ever signed on to a computer? This is the proud, stubborn friend who argues and curses and types forever in capslock?
It can't be. There's been a mistake made somewhere. A part of you wants to go back out and insist that they've gotten it wrong, brought you to the wrong room, that this can't possibly be the right troll.
"Karkat," you say, softer yet. Slowly you sink down into a crouch, hoping that avoiding fast motion will help soothe him. He doesn't react, so you creep forward an inch at a time, trying to get close enough for the phere... the fero... the thingies to do their magic. 'He screams when we touch him,' Sollux said, so you don't reach out to him even though every instinct you possess is demanding that you fling yourself at him in a hug.
You're only inches away and starting to believe this isn't going to work after all, when he draws in a shuddering breath. It sounds more startled than afraid, and you hope that's a good sign. "Yeah, that's it, c'mon, deep breaths," you encourage. Maybe it's taken this long because he's got his face buried in his pants, and can't smell you properly?
He does it again, and this time the air catches in his throat a little. You realize you can see a gleam of yellow deep in the shadow of his arms, one of his oversized alien eyes staring at you with an expression of bewildered disbelief. "J-john?" he stammers, his voice a raspy whisper. "You... are you really... what is that?"
Darn it, maybe you should have practiced saying that word before you came in here. Too late now, and it doesn't really matter. "Some kind of chemical thingy that's suppose to attract a mate, only it's working overtime between trolls and humans," you explain with all the cheer you can muster. "Cool, huh? At least, the others seem to think it smells good."
He's lifted his head more, nostrils flaring as he takes a deeper breath, and now you can see both his eyes. "Yeah, it does," he agrees. His voice is still unsteady, and rough because he hasn't talked for so long, but it's a little stronger than before. "Are you really... here? Am I dreaming?"
"No, I'm really here," you insist. "Why would you dream that I would smell funny, right?"He's looking at you, and coherent, so you take a risk and reach out to touch his arm, lightly.
He gives a hoarse shout and flinches back, and you snatch your hand away like it was burned, horrified. You promised not to hurt him, you don't want to ever hurt him, so how could you do something so stupid? "I'm sorry, Karkat, I didn't mean it, don't pull away, please, I'm sorry."
"You..." He's breathing hard, shoulders hunched but slowly leaning towards you again like he can't help himself. He looks like a wild animal, wary and ready to bolt at the first hint of danger. You hold your breath, keeping yourself as still as you can, willing him to come to you. "You said you would come."
"Yeah, I did," you whisper, hesitant to speak lest you startle him. He tenses, but doesn't flinch away again. You're glad, because you think your heart might break for real if he does that again, like he thinks you're going to really hurt him. "I did say that, and I always keep my promises, you should know that. I'm here, Karkat. I'm... I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner."
"I'm not," he tells you, surprisingly fierce. "I'm not, I'm glad you weren't here, I'm glad, there was so much blood and so much killing and I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop them, I just stood there like a useless little wriggler and I couldn't protect any of them, it's all my fault, and if you'd been here they'd just have killed you, too and..."
It doesn't seem like the words are going to stop now that they've started, and his voice is spiralling higher and higher like a spring winding ever tighter. It hurts so much to see him like this, so vulnerable and aching and fragile. You still don't dare touch him again, but you can open your arms in obvious invitation and hope he takes the bait, so you do.
To your immense relief Karkat all but throws himself at you, arms wrapping around your torso so tight that it's suddenly hard to breathe, his face buried against your shoulder. You hug him just as tightly in return, rubbing his back with one hand, rocking a bit like your Dad used to do when you were little and you'd had a bad dream. "All my fault, I failed them, I failed them all," he says, shuddering against you.
And now you know you made the right decision not to let Jade come instead, because she would have told him that it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't failed them, that he can't blame himself.
"I know," you say instead, because you do know. You know what it's like to see the people you love most in all the world dead at your feet, pools of blood spreading everywhere, knowing that if you'd been just a little bit faster, a little bit stronger, they might still be alive. You know what it's like to be responsible for the lives of all your friends, and sometimes it scares you so much because deep down you know you're not good enough, not smart enough, not nearly awesome enough to get them all through this.
"I know. I'm here. I'll help. We can do it together," you promise him. You think he might be crying - no, you're sure he is, you can feel warm liquid soaking into the shoulder of your shirt. You're a little surprised that he hasn't tried to lick you or anything yet, since none of the others have been able to get this close without seeming compelled to try that, but maybe it's because the force of his emotions are overwhelming the instincts.
Since he hasn't licked you, you're not quite sure why you're getting dizzy and it feels like there isn't enough air in the room. You're hyper-aware of every inch of Karkat against you, his body heat like fire even through the protective layers of your clothing. It's a subtler effect than when Terezi had her tongue on you, but it's definitely there, because there's an awful lot of blood heading south.
Didn't Rose say something about 'body fluids'? Maybe tears count, too? Darn it, this is really not appropriate, especially if he's not going to react that way, if he needs you for comfort. You suddenly have more sympathy for how hard it is for the trolls not to follow through on the impulses caused by the scent of you. It's really hard to think about anything except how good he feels against you.
"You won't leave me?" he asks, his voice small, and it's just like Rose said. Karkat needs to know that you won't push him away, that you don't blame him for failing as a leader, that you're still his friend.
"You'll have to pry me off with a crowbar," you say staunchly. "We'll figure it out. Together."
"Together," he agrees, and nuzzles closer into the crook of your neck. His next words come out a bit strangled. "You really smell... fuck."
It surprises you how much relief you feel at the sound of that single swear word. If he's cursing, he must be feeling a little better, surely. "Um. Like I said, it's suppose to be some kind of mating attraction thing, only it's kind of broken between trolls and humans. It seems to hit you guys worse than us, at least until you liiiiiiahhhh oh god."
Yep, that does it. Tears definitely have the same effect, but it's about a thousand times stronger the moment the hesitant flicker of Karkat's tongue connects with the bare skin on the side of your neck. It's just like the day before only worse, because you're already affected, and this time you're sure there can't be any blood left in your brain.
"Holy shit, that's really... wow." He sounds dazed, too, and the second time the contact is firmer and longer. Then his lips brush against the same spot, and you don't even care when the sharp points of his teeth graze the skin.
Much. "Ow, careful," you gasp, squirming beneath him. Your body can't seem to decide whether it's more important to get away from the teeth or get closer to the tongue. "We're a lot softer than you guys, so watch the teeth and the claws."
He makes a humming noise that might be a sound of assent, or might equally be a sign that he's annoyed by the distraction of your voice. Karkat doesn't use his teeth again, though, so you hope it's the former. It's so hard to think past the feel of his tongue on your throat and the burning need that sparks deep inside you. Some tiny part of your brain is disturbed, and you're pretty sure there's something you've forgotten about why this shouldn't feel so good, but you can't bring yourself to care enough to stop and remember what it is.
You don't even realize that you're worming your hands under his shirt until your fingers touch heated flesh. You moan, startled, and heat rushes to your cheeks, but since you're already there you decide you might as well explore. His skin feels thicker than yours, tougher, and you suppose that makes sense given how many pointy ends trolls seem to have.
On a whim you curl your fingers and drag your nails along the skin, hard. Maybe hard enough to leave marks on a human. Sure enough, instead of protesting he gasps and arches into the contact, panting hard against your neck.
"Fuck, do that again," Karkat pleads. "Harder, gog." You'd be a pretty crappy friend to ignore such a sincere request, you decide dizzily, so you do it again.
He moans and tightens his grip on you, and you yelp as sharp points dig into your skin through your shirt. "Claws!" you remind him, and he eases up a bit with a grumble.
Then he rakes his hands down your back like you've been doing to him, and it's the most amazing thing you've ever felt in your life. You squirm beneath the onslaught, and you're embarrassingly sure those weird little mewling noises are coming from you. They seem to spur him on, because he runs his mouth over your throat like he's trying to chase the sounds down and lick them up.
He's practically in your lap, now, and his knee is jammed between your legs and it feels like the best thing ever. You squirm and arch up into the pressure, grinding yourself against his leg, and it's ten million times better than anything you've managed to do with your hand. Karkat makes a pleased noise and digs his fingers into your hips, pulling you closer still.
Not wanting to be selfish, you hitch up the leg he's straddling, pressing your thigh against his crotch. You're not sure just what sort of equipment trolls have, he's mentioned some pretty weird parts in his more creative moments of swearing, but he seems to enjoy that just as much as you are. You buck against each other, not always in sync but it doesn't seem to matter, because everything you do feels even better than whatever you did the moment before.
He's saying something, over and over again in a breathless moan, just one word that you finally realize is your own name. Your heart skips at the sound of it, so desperate and broken, and the knowledge that you are responsible for making him feel this good makes your chest swell.
Karkat comes first, you're pretty sure. His head tips back and his eyes roll up, the sound of your name melting into a whimper that goes on and on as he shudders against you. Then you cry out as you lose track of the sight of him, coming hard enough that your vision whites out for a moment, and then you can't care about anything at all except how amazingly good it feels.
When you come back to reality you find him draped over your shoulder, chin digging into you and hands still clutching at your back. He might be crying again, you can feel warmth and wetness creeping over your shoulder, but you think maybe they're happy tears this time. Or at least healing ones.
You cradle him close, ignoring the uncomfortable mess in your pants, content to just hold him and be there for him. And to let him be there for you, if you're being honest, because knowing that there's someone who understands what you've gone through helps you just as much as him.
Rose was right about the effects fading once you've 'gotten it out of your system', but you're not quite as squirmingly embarrassed by what you've done as you thought you would be. It would be worth going through torture if it meant helping Karkat, and this was far from torture.
You tell yourself firmly that you are not hoping that he'll still need more reassurance in the future.
>John: be happy
You're pretty sure the doofy smile on your face can't get any bigger, actually. The mess you're all in is still pretty big, but at least finally you can give everyone something positive to focus on.
Karkat squints and flinches a little at the brighter light outside his room, but he lets you draw him through the halls and back to the big room everyone has been meeting in. He gives you a slightly nervous look as you reach out to open the door, then squares his shoulders and frowns in a way that it seems like his face is much more accustomed to.
There's a moment of breathless silence when they see him, and then suddenly the room is exploding with shouts and cries and the sound of Karkat's name. You just barely get out of the way in time as all three of the other trolls pile onto their fourth member, and you have to grin as Karkat squawks and flails and makes no real effort to push them away at all.
He catches your eye for a moment, and your grin softens into a smile as you nod firmly. He nods in return, and you know that you'll probably never talk about what just happened between you, but it doesn't matter because he's got your back and you've got his, and that's the way it should be.
Two friendleaders are better than one - and even better when they're also friends.